“Are you hearing me, STOP IT, how do you have any idea what I am feeling?” The future is terrifying. I am scared of living but do not want to die. The both of them, survival and death…I’m not sure which scares me more. Although riddled with internal anxiety , the snowglobe of my insides presents surprisingly still from an outside perspective. The road through managing school, sobriety and friendship remains clear for the next foreseeable future but am progressively with each successful day becoming more emotionally deteriorated. I guess the more you have, the more you have to lose? Just the anticipation of making a mistake, of messing up and disappointing my family, of ruining my precious education, brings enormous shameful unworthiness. You would think by the way I am critically reprimanding of myself that the slip already happened. There is no one tangible threat to the serene calmness of the fluttery glitter resting on the bottom but my worries of another fuck-up trigger all those familiar setback feelings of remorseful sadness. Like Marsha taught me in DBT I must check the facts:
Are these worries justified? Well yes.
Is acting on them effective? No.
So then contrary action…
It’s only when I begin to accept those frightful emotions as reality that the once harmonious calming sparkles on the bottom of the globe, my insides, agitate convulsively creating a turbulent atmosphere erupting with intensity.
I am a 24 year recovering alcoholic from New York City with Boderline Personality Disorder.