Growth?

I aimlessly took out my car and went for a drive, chain-smoking cigarettes and chugging my dirty chai, went for a drive speeding down the highway in an attempt to clear my clouded mind. I am starting to eat again but it is so far from that freaking simple. Emotions run wild. They are no…

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Borderline in a Nutshell

To begin discussing how borderline personality has affected my life is quite the challenging task. For the laymen, I am way overly sensitive and highly emotionally reactive. Like Linehan says, I walk around with “third degree burns.” Everything you tell me bounces through my mental filter so that I hear something totally different from what…

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The Beast Returns

The wasteland of anorexia desecrates my exterior shell while taking my mind prisoner, my thoughts held captive under its dictating wrath. Over the years I have harnessed, trained and beaten a once foreign and intangible form of suffering that I could not understand nor cope with onto my body- a tangible way of tunneling all…

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Lessons Learned

I am nearly seven months sober and trapped in a realm of self-pity, hatred and despair. It’s my own personal hell. I feel as though rapidly deconstructing, stuck in the spindle of my own carefully constructed web. I am the one person working against me, against my life, manufacturing my own demise. Like playing with…

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In Retrospect

Every day becomes more and more bleak. I do not know how much more darkness I can possibly take. It’s unbearable having to wrap my emotions so tightly in a cord in order to appear perfectly contained. A belt of fear and anxiety squeezes so tightly around my body to the point where I eventually…

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A Precious Memory

You tell me I’m an artist. You tell me that I am beautiful. You tell me that I’m too hard on myself, but I don’t see it. I am detached from the girl looking back at me in the mirror. Her reflection resembles that of shame, guilt and self-hatred. I dissociate from myself. I see…

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